If my uterus had a sign it would read: NO VACANCY.

I’m kind of awful at making announcements (don’t ask me why, it’s one of the quirks about myself that I can’t quite figure out), so  let me just come out and say that I’m pregnant – 19 weeks pregnant to be exact.

Let’s fast forward through the last few months, shall we?

Thoughts during the first 19 weeks of my second pregnancy

Week 1 … Blissful ignorance. Baby? What baby? We don’t need another baby!
Week 2 … Lalalala life is so great. I love planning for Clara’s birthday party.
Week 3 … Let’s wait 3 years between our first kid and second kid. I’m exhausted just running after this one.
Week 4 … Light spotting! I bet I’m going to get my period back again, finally. I haven’t had one since before I got pregnant with Clara.
Week 5 … I’m tired all of the time and my stomach doesn’t feel quite right.
Week 7 … Sure, let’s climb some mountains in Denver while I try not to keel over or throw up.
Week 8 … Well, the doctor agrees with us. I’m pregnant. 8 weeks to be exact (verified via ultrasound).
Week 9 … I’m not getting off the couch.
Week 10 … No seriously, I’m not moving. Oh wait, I guess we technically are moving – to Seattle. In 2 weeks.
Week 11 … WHY DOES CLARA NEVER STOP WALKING AROUND? I just do not have the energy to chase her. Also, genetic testing complete with  normal results!
Week 12 … Oh, I guess we’re moving to Seattle this week. Please just pack around me, I’ll be in bed if you need me.
Week 13 … Whose idea was it to move across the country during the first trimester? Thank goodness corporate housing has HGTV, because I am not doing anything else all day. Clara, I really wish you would stay entertained by the TV.
Week 14 … House hunting is a JOY with a toddler. (Said no one ever.) This is so tiring. At least we finally found a place and can move… again. And wait… is this a baby bump?! Already? Yikes! I’d better start slathering on that coconut oil.
Week 15 … I swear I’m more nauseous now than ever. WHEN WILL IT END? But it all kind of seems worth it because I swear I felt ‘Baby Beni’ kicking! WOW.
Week 16 … To the ER we go because I can’t stop throwing up.
Week 17 … Wow, I feel alive again! I can function before 11am! I CAN EAT THINGS!
Week 18 … The house will get unpacked, I’m going to start walking with Ozzie, I love taking Clara on play dates, I can’t wait to plan and organize EVERYTHING, all things are great in the world and Tim and I are celebrating our third wedding anniversary and have I mentioned how awesome everything is now?!… I AM UNSTOPPABLE.
Week 19 … We got to see ‘Baby Beni’ again via ultrasound and (s)he is perfect! (We aren’t finding out the gender until the delivery.) We’ve started brainstorming names.

Phew, now we’re all on the same page again. It really is hard to blog when there’s kind of this huge thing going on in the background (or forefront, really) of my life and I just don’t want to share it yet. Secrets aren’t really my thing.

I’ll be sharing even more details in upcoming posts, so prepare yourself.


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Where I am (mentally) right now as a toddler mom.

Am I allowed to say that I don’t think being a toddler mom is for me?

Because I’m not sure it is.

I’m more of a newborn/baby person. I freakin’ love newborns. I could cuddle a baby all day and night. I can even handle a lot of the sleep deprivation. I loved the breastfeeding and the holding and the snuggling and the constant naps she used to take… Granted, Clara was an ‘easy’ newborn (so other moms told me), but I always knew I would love those first few months, and I did.

Then Clara became mobile (starting at 7 months when she began crawling) and life changed. Gradually, motherhood got a lot harder for me. Now that this girl is running all over the place and has opinions, motherhood is even harder. (And we aren’t even close to the ‘terrible twos’ or threes or whatever the ‘hard’ ages are supposed to be!)

For instance, today Clara threw a tantrum cried because…

  • She asked for milk and I gave her milk (but probably not in the cup she wanted).
  • I put her down so I could clean up the house.
  • I told her it was nap time.
  • I wouldn’t pick her back up after I picked her up and put her down 5 times in a row.
  • I started to read her the book she handed me.
  • Her crayons rolled on the floor.
  • I put her in the stroller.
  • I put her in the car seat.
  • I gave her dinner.
  • I wouldn’t give her a sixth snack.
  • I picked her up when she asked.
  • I sternly told her ‘no’ when she tried to pull all of the hair out of my head.
  • … and also when she pulled my necklace.
  • … and also when she kept hitting Ozzie, yelling “no bite!” when he was napping on his bed.
  • I zipped up the diaper bag.
  • I hid the remote control after she kept turning on the TV.

Thoughts on being a toddler mom

Can you believe I had the audacity to order (and drink!) a chai tea latte in front of her without letting her drink any?! The nerve.

… And that was just in the afternoon/evening. I blocked out everything that happened before her nap.

Don’t get me wrong, there are some wonderful things about this stage of life. Clara just started saying “mommy” (FINALLY. She’s been saying ‘Ozzie’ for months) and it is the sweetest sound I’ve ever heard. She’s starting to understand a lot of words and if we ask her to do something she can (sometimes) understand it. She loves to read and point out what objects are in her books. She knows what sounds dogs make and spontaneously starts ‘woof’ing. She loves to walk around our neighborhood and is getting more and more independent with things she wants to do herself. She points at photos of Tim and I and says ‘mommy’ and ‘dada’ and thinks it’s the most fun thing in the world. She is so busy with her toys and constantly moves from one thing to another. She is fascinated with pointing out body parts – especially her belly button.

Basically, her brain is working overtime and it’s both fascinating and exhausting. I’m so proud of what she can do and how fast she is learning, but at the same time I can only handle so many hours of a clingy toddler who wants me to entertain her every second of the day and goes from elated to miserable in .5 seconds for no discernible reason. Thank goodnesss for play dates! 

The point is, I’m really, really trying to savor every moment of this time in her life, because I know it’s fleeting. And some days it’s easier than others. I’ve tried to keep the TV off during the day and I’ve also tried to minimize the time I spend on my phone. It’s useless for me to even take out the computer, because once the laptop comes out she is all over it. I’m attempting to be 100% focused on Clara when I’m with her, and I’m rewarded with a lot of sweet moments. But I also think this whole (stay at home) mom thing is harder right now than it was even a few months ago.

I’ve told Tim that I would gladly continue procreating if I could raise the child(ren) for the first year and he could take it from there… but he hasn’t quite gotten back to me with a final verdict on that. I’m crossing my fingers he goes for it.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I feel guilty that this phase of motherhood is not my favorite thus far. I love Clara and I love seeing her change and transition and I love being her mom, but this stage does not come naturally to me. I’m trying to offer myself more-than-a-little grace for right now when I lose my patience or fail to see the joy in an especially frustrating moment.

I know that one day I will look back on these months and wish I could experience them all over.

And then again, maybe not.


Posted in being introspective, motherhood | Tagged , , | 13 Comments

Space to breathe

One of the things that has been refreshing about moving is that Tim and I have almost no social plans. I’ve had the great pleasure of meeting moms and their little ones, so Clara and I stay busy during the week, but when it comes to weekends and weeknights, we stay in.

Now, my old self would have freaked out about this. I would have panicked and felt anti-social and unloved and like I was wasting my life away. Present-day Lisa isn’t like this, though.

Magnolia Blvd Walk in Seattle

I finally understand the joy of not having weekend plans! Honestly, I never understood the appeal of this before. But today, as I sit on my couch, eating leftovers, my Kindle recently set aside so I can read blogs for a bit instead, listening to ’25’ on repeat, I just can’t imagine what else I’d rather be doing. There’s a certain restfulness in my life that is good for my soul at this time.

Tim, Clara, and I took a stroll along Magnolia Blvd this morning and it was beautiful. It was a clear and cool day and we walked along and chatted and enjoyed the sunshine that I guess isn’t normal for Seattle at this time of year. We weren’t in a rush and we didn’t have anywhere else in the world to be.

Magnolia Blvd Walk in Seattle

It was a clear day, so we could see the mountains in the background!

Right now life is slowing down and forcing me to live very much in the present moment, without the distraction of figuring out how to cram all of the things I want to do in a restricted amount of time.

I look forward to meeting more people and having more plans and spending our time in community more and more as the weeks and months go on, but for now…

I feel like I have space to breathe.


Posted in being introspective, consciously evolving, seattle, weekend fun | Tagged , , | 16 Comments

A few words on marriage

Marriage is awesome for a lot of reasons, but one of the best/worst things about marriage has been all of the things I’ve been able to learn about myself. I’m proud of some of the things I’ve learned, and other realizations have made me cringe a little bit.

(Anyone else?!)

Thoughts on marriage

The great thing is that even though Tim knows the good, the bad, and the ugly about me, he manages to be steadfast in his support and love for me and our little family, which is already more than I expected in a husband all of those years ago when I was creating my (mental) ‘attributes I should probably be looking for in a husband’ list.

I think if I was giving advice to a single girlfriend, I would tell her that finding a partner who is unwavering in his love is probably the most important thing. And I might also mention that marriage is pretty hard, but it is also great. And that it is a learning experience that never ends. When two flawed people get married it’s never going to be easy, but it can still be really, really imperfectly beautiful.


Posted in being introspective, marriage | Tagged | 2 Comments

Three years

Tim and I celebrated our three year wedding anniversary overlooking Seattle at the Sky City restaurant, which is on top of the Space Needle. As a bonus, the restaurant spins around, so we were able to enjoy views of downtown, Queen Anne, the water, etc. It was a dreary day here yesterday, so it was nice to enjoy good company and good food while taking in the lights below us.

Third Anniversary at the Space Needle

One of these days I will look less awkward in table pictures. Yesterday was not that day.

It was our first date night since moving to Seattle, and it was much needed! Clara did great with the babysitter and went to bed without a fuss (Whhhhaaaat? That never happens when we have babysitters!), proving that even she knew it was a special occasion.

I’m looking forward to a lifetime of anniversaries with my best friend by my side.


Posted in life events, marriage, seattle | Tagged , | 23 Comments