I haven't been writing during the holidays and it's not because I've been far too busy (I hate that excuse), but rather it's because I haven't been busy enough. I'm really struggling to get into a life routine that involves the perfect balance of productivity and rest and then I get caught up in the frustration of my mental to-do/should-do list and do absolutely nothing instead.
If you can't relate, just pretend you can so I feel a bit better. Thanks, friends.
Speaking of which...
My word of 2014 was 'Still'. I know it was a good word because I still remembered what it was without looking it up, and I truly focused on it for the past 12 months. Well, I focused on it in a major way until July and then after that life was a blur and I have no idea how it's already December 31. But that's another story altogether.
In 2014 I wanted to focus on the verse:
"The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still." - Exodus 14:14
Gosh, easier said than done. I wrote a half-year post on how my resolutions were looking in July (just a few days before Clara made her entrance into the world), and it was positive indeed! I think the end of this year was also full of stillness, but in a very different way.
I ended 2013 feeling a bit anxious but optimistic. I had just finished the first trimester of pregnancy, I was in a temporary job that I was still figuring out, I was extremely busy but not necessarily feeling fulfilled, and I was itching to travel more and have a few adventures before transitioning into a family of 3 (plus Ozzie). I had no idea how motherhood was going to change me; however, I knew that if I trusted in God, everything would be okay.
Trust in God is exactly what I did.
There were hard moments, believe me. Every time 'Bumpy' was especially calm in my womb, my nerves would get the best of me. I constantly feared that something would be wrong with my pregnancy. However, even as I was scared, I was also calm in a way I'm usually not about my life. I was so confident in the pregnancy. I was confident in my body. I absolutely loved nurturing
something someone inside of me. I knew that whatever happened is exactly what was supposed to happen.
Pregnancy forced me to be still. My body got tired and even my brain became exhausted. My priorities changed. I no longer cared (as much) about physical fitness and working out, but instead became focused on slowing down and spending time just existing and enjoying time by itself, without feeling the need to fill it.
I turned down a lot of plans because I didn't feel like joining in with some social activities as I became increasingly worn out, and I felt okay about these decisions because I knew I was listening to myself. I prayed a lot. I prayed for myself, my marriage, my baby, the world, friends, family, everyone.
As a parent, I think 'stillness' continues to apply to my life in terms of anxiousness. After having Clara (which in itself was the least calm thing I've ever experienced), I felt (and still feel) self-assured, and I'm not sure why. It's not like I've ever been a mother before, but I don't feel a lot of doubt about my abilities. I don't
usually question myself and the decisions Tim and I make as parents. That in itself is being still. I've already surrendered that not everything will be perfect, but I know that I'm surely doing my best, and that keeps me calm.
However, my schedule has completely changed from what it's ever been like before, and I find myself doing anything but basking in stillness. There are moments when I have the opportunity to just be but I find them consumed with thoughts about what I should be doing instead. I'm finding that life is a whole lot of 'I should really...' instead of the doing or (better yet) the being. Which leads me to my word for 2015, which I will post tomorrow.
In 2013 my word was 'freedom'.
In 2014 my word was 'still'.
I'm excited to see what 2015 will bring.
Do you remember what your 2014 resolution was?