You found my blog by searching for WHAT?

(AKA – when SEO goes awry)

I interrupt my regularly scheduled programming (OK, that’s a lie, we all know that there is absolutely nothing scheduled on this blog) to address some important issues that have come to my attention this week.

If you follow me on Twitter (which you totally should because I have things to SAY, people) you may have seen a few tweets this week regarding Google search terms and my blog. It turns out that some unsuspecting people managed to stumble across my blog by using a few … let’s just say ‘unexpected’ search terms.

Allow me to show you the intriguing topics that people are hoping to find answers to on this little blog:

Hmmmm… well now I feel badly because I haven’t addressed some of these important issues my readers clearly are searching for! 

(And I’m a bit concerned because what kind of blog am I writing, anyways?!)

Clearly I need a little lesson in SEO.

Let me just clear some things up:

  • First, I do not (intentionally) wear crotchless underwear. Ever. Therefore, I am not an expert in this field and cannot dispense very much advice, except to say that if you have an extra $15 (is that how much they cost?) to spend on undies without the most vital part of material, just send a check to me instead! You’re welcome. But seriously, would you buy a car without an engine? I just don’t understand the whole logic of this crotchless underwear business. When in doubt, just don’t wear them at all!
  • If you are using Google to find answers about your acidic vaginal discharge, my recommendation is that you should probably get off the computer and immediately see a doctor. Especially if the discharge is actually causing holes to appear in your underwear. Hmmm strangely I had never pictured myself needing to dispense this sort of advice, but I suppose that’s what I’m here for… kind of? Anyway, we all know that for serious medical questions we should check WebMD and not Google, so that was your first mistake and probably why you found this blog instead of any useful or relevant information.
  • The term ‘crotchless’ could be used in so many different ways… I’m just going to assume this user was referring to underwear and can therefore see bullet point #1.
  • ‘Do martinis make your ass smaller?’ Ummmm no. Quite the opposite, actually! But honestly, who wants a smaller booty, anyway? I would like to think this term was used in a search by a man whose gf was losing the booty and he was attempting to discern if her vodka habit was the cause. Sadly, this was probably not the case.

And now that I’ve written about crotchless underwear again, I’m a bit concerned about the audience my blog will soon be attracting. 

Sigh, this blogging thing sure is hard.

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