If you’ve been reading this blog for any length of time you know the following:
- I’m pregnant.
- I love being pregnant.
Without a doubt, pregnancy has been the greatest experience of my life. I can’t even explain it, but I wake up every day super excited to be growing a little body inside of mine. It’s the last thing I think about each night and the first thing I think about every morning. It’s taken over my mind like a high school crush! (Remember those?! It’s been 10 years since I was in high school… yikes.)
Granted, I haven’t gotten to the crazy hormonal / uncomfortable parts of this pregnancy journey yet, but I’m truly very happy at this point (25 weeks in).
Gratuitous baby bump picture! 24 weeks in.
That (all) being said, there are some less-than-positive aspects to this whole pregnancy deal that I didn’t anticipate.
I’ll stick to the non-physical things in this post, because I’ve already talked about the exhausting first trimester and all that entailed, and I think every woman expects a certain level of physical discomfort from the whole ‘I’m growing a human life’ thing.
I’m sure this list will grow over the next few weeks / months (just like my belly!), but I wanted to record where I am and what I’m thinking right now.
People who don’t know how to (re)act about the pregnancy.
Don’t get me wrong, most people in our lives have been overjoyed about the fact that we’re expecting a little baby to join our family. Our friends and family have (already) showered us with gifts and well-wishes and questions about our well-being and health and all things baby and exciting… But the fact is, we have a lot of friends who are fairly far away from the whole pregnancy experience, or who have no desire to ever be pregnant, and we’ve had to deal with some awkward experiences and conversations, for sure. At best people are thrilled and want to be super involved. Then there are the more neutral people who are kind of apathetic to the whole thing – a lot of people are (predictably) disinterested or unsure of how to respond or what to ask us or even how to respond to the initial news. At the other end of the spectrum from the happy well-wishers, some people are negative about pregnancy and babies and pretty much everything the Husband and I are going through right now. And they’re vocal about it! It’s similar to people being difficult wedding guests, except more confusing because how could people not be excited about new human life?!
Anxiety.
I’m an anxious person by nature, but pregnancy (until fairly recently) had me more anxious than usual. I threw up before my first doctor’s appointment, because I was so worried they were going to tell me my baby (which I wanted so badly) wasn’t there at all. The anxiety (albeit not that severe) continued all the way until I started being able to feel the baby kick. Now, thankfully, I only get concerned if I don’t frequently feel the baby move. I wish I had the kind of personality where I just didn’t worry about anything and had the optimism that everything with this baby will be perfect, but I just can’t get to that point. I do believe that God has a plan for this baby and me worrying does not help, but I just cannot help it! I pray a lot, I treasure every kick, and I think happy thoughts. That’s all I can do, really! (And be as healthy as possible, of course, easier said than done!)
The idea of being in a one salary home… indefinitely.
Our plan (which could totally change in a moment’s notice) is for me to stay home with Baby B while the Husband continues working. Thankfully, I have a professional skill set that would allow me to find temporary work fairly easily if I should want to make some more money, but I don’t foresee that happening for quite some time after the birth of Baby B. I’m not worried about boredom (I stayed at home for five months when I was unemployed and I absolutely loved it!) but I’ve never chosen to forego a salary to stay home. It makes me feel less independent, honestly, and I can’t help but wonder how that transition is going to feel mentally once we officially make the switch. We will definitely be re-doing our family’s budget and I suppose time will tell how everything works out for us! I feel really blessed that we’re in the financial position where being a stay-at-home mom is an option for me, but it’s a bit of an overwhelming (and foreign) concept to me right now.
(Changing) body issues.
I love baby bumps. I’ve always thought that women are their absolute prettiest when they’re carrying a baby around in their uterus. I mean, yeah, it’s not the sexiest a woman will ever look (most likely), but I think pregnancy makes every woman more beautiful. However, there’s still something unnerving about watching my body grow and grow, and seeing the number on the scale increase almost-daily. I keep reminding myself I do not need to diet nor do I need to go to the gym to lose the extra pounds! I’m proud of my bump. I’m terrified of stretch marks. i don’t want swollen ankles/legs/anything. I’m terrified my face will gain weight (as it tends to do, normally). And let’s not even talk about the potential for breakouts and that sort of thing. Basically, my body really hasn’t experienced many negative pregnancy side-effects, but that doesn’t stop me from worrying about what will happen and how it will affect my general self esteem and the way I view myself and my body.
Guilt.
Along with the anxiety I mentioned earlier, guilt is a very real part of pregnancy (for me). A lot of the guilt that pregnant women may feel is made worse by society and other people in general making judgments on how a pregnant woman should/shouldn’t act or what they should/shouldn’t do. For instance, if I want to drink a chai latte, I wish I didn’t even second guess myself. I mean, is caffeine that harmful for a baby? The same goes for the occasional glass of wine, soft cheese, lunch meat, sushi, junk food, not exercising enough… the list goes on. I’ve had men, who I am quite sure have never done any research on the matter, tell me that drinking alcohol while pregnant is very selfish. And I’m not saying that I agree or disagree with that statement (I personally have chosen not to drink more than a sip or two of alcohol so far in this pregnancy), but I get instantly annoyed when (non-pregnant, especially) people feel the need to tell me what I should or shouldn’t be doing with my body at this time. I prefer to listen to my nurse-midwife for health advice. I think there is so much pressure put on women already, especially on how they should dress, act, look, eat, etc. that pregnancy just adds another layer of pressure and potential guilt and stress that isn’t good for anyone, including the baby.
The waiting game.
Don’t get me wrong, I love the whole pregnancy process. I love the slow changes and the quick changes and having time to plan out our lives and enjoy some travel and time together before the Husband and I forever become parents… but this whole pregnancy thing is just a huge waiting game, and sometimes I just want to know the ending already! Will it be a boy or a girl? Will (s)he look like us? Will we like being parents? Will I miss my independence? Will we be ready? What baby stuff will we wish we had? How will our labor & delivery go? Will our baby be healthy? How will our family and friends act? Will we figure this whole thing out, eventually? What will my body be like in the third trimester of pregnancy… and postpartum? Etc. etc. etc. Mainly, I’m choosing not to think too much about the future, and I’m focusing on the present moment instead. So far, that’s been working really well! But there is a part of me that keeps thinking, ‘Gosh, I’ve never done this before! I just don’t know about this whole thing… I feel clueless and helpless and totally incompetent and ill-prepared!’ It’s overwhelming to think how little motherhood training I’ve had! And they’re going to let us just take the baby home without any sort of license! Crazy.
I could probably continue writing this list for a while, but I think I covered my main points. I hope I don’t sound like I’m not thankful for every single moment this baby has given me so far, because I truly am. I’ve honestly never been happier in my life. Not every moment is perfect, but overall, I’m living the dream. But, that doesn’t mean pregnancy hasn’t presented its own unique set of challenges! Like anything in life, it’s not all rainbows.
Cheers!
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