Sometimes I find myself making a decision or doing something ‘just for the principle’ or just to prove a point. I’m not sure who I’m necessarily proving a point to… maybe to myself or maybe to someone else, but I can confidently say that I’m realizing (in my old age) that doing something just to prove a point is not a good move.

This has become especially apparent now that I’m a mom. Over the first several months we got comments from our friends saying “I think it’s awesome that you guys still go out… I have such-and-such friend who had a baby and now her whole world revolves around him and we never see her anymore…”

At first I would hear these statements and be proud of myself for making the immense effort to go out, while simultaneously trying to make it look like it was really not that hard/not a big deal. I’ll admit it, I wanted to be that carefree parent who could still go out, even with a newborn. I wanted to (and did) say ‘yes’ to plans even though I was exhausted and I desperately needed a break. I said yes more than I should have because I craved social interaction but also because I wanted to prove a point to our (mostly childless) peers that we were still the same Tim & Lisa that we were before Clara was born. I’ll admit that I was afraid that if I said no too many times I would risk losing friendships. Looking back on this past year, I wish I would have given myself more grace and said ‘no’ to the wrong things so I had time to say ‘yes’ to the right ones.

You can always tell when Tim dresses Clara because she’ll be wearing completely gender neutral clothing.

My priorities are:

God. Marriage. Child. Friendships.

In that order.

I try to make decisions based on those values, but if I’m being honest, that would mean that sometimes I should have said no to social plans so I could get Clara into her own bed at a better time. Or maybe I would have said no to some social plans so that Tim and I could have a true date night (if we had skipped a few weeks). Or perhaps I should have gotten more babysitters so we weren’t dragging Clara to things she didn’t need to be at.

Clearly we were (and are) clueless first time parents.

I guess my point is this: it’s darn near impossible to be the parent who continues on with their pre-baby life after they have a baby. Truly, my lives before and after Clara barely seem c

onnected. The problem is, too often our friends and family members (I was included in this group before I had kids) don’t acknowledge the large shift in priorities that has taken place.

I want to urge other moms not to fall into the trap of trying to act like life has not changed even though you’ve added a whole new life to your family. It’s okay to not be the ‘cool’, effortless parent. It’s okay to skip a party that starts at 8pm because you’re simply too tired to go. It’s okay to choose date night instead of social night. It’s also okay to hire a babysitter and say yes to plans that you really want to go to! There is no right or wrong as long as you’re living in line with what your values truly are.

But let’s not glamorize the moms who manage to ‘do it all’. Trust me, it is never easy to get out of the house with a baby no matter how effortless some moms make it look. I think swapping narratives about moms who have ‘made their baby their whole life’ cheapens motherhood and adds pressure to those moms who may not feel the  need to add on to their already-packed schedules. No one wants to be that mom that no one sees once they have a baby, but in reality I think most moms long for some free time and space to simply relax and be. Along with this, I treasure my friends who love me well and acknowledge that Clara is a huge part of my life and not simply someone who tags-along with us. I think it’s amazing when loved ones modify plans to accommodate me and Clara, instead of expecting us to change our schedule to accommodate them (moms whose lives revolve around nap times know what I mean!).

The simple truth is for a short time parents’ lives need to revolve around their baby because a baby cannot simply feed himself or put himself to sleep or keep himself comfortable, and God entrusts us as parents to ensure these needs are met. Babies are completely and truly helpless, and caring for them is an awesome responsibility that shouldn’t be taken lightly, and so we simply cannot expect our friends to be as available as they were when they didn’t have a full-time job as a parent.

Let’s be a little more compassionate towards ourselves by not expecting the life-altering event of motherhood to not be life-altering, and let’s show kindness to our friends by talking about other moms in a gracious way directly to them and to others.

This parenthood thing is hard enough without the added pressures to be a fully engaged and conscious parent (yes, everyone agrees that it’s good to be fully engaged with our kids!) but not to the extent that it impacts our relationships with those around us (because at this point we’ve been labeled as the-parent-whose-life-is-consumed-by-her-child). We all just need a little bit more grace in our lives at times of immense transition, I think.

I, for one, am going to start making decisions based on my values and what I want to do instead of what I think I should do to be the kind of person someone else wants or expects me to be. Phew.