It’s so easy to think of things that aren’t going well at any given moment.
I will be the first to admit that I get lost in my thoughts of what I want to improve and how I want to improve it. And when I say I get ‘lost’ I mean that I get hopelessly distracted from reality and am incapable of redirecting my thoughts to anything productive, or even to what’s in front of me at any given moment.
I’ve been living in this fog a bit over the past few days.
Thoughts of marriage and motherhood and friendship have crashed over me, leaving me feeling insufficient and exhausted.
Sometimes it just feels like I’m not enough and never will be. (I know, I know, dramatic, right!?)
I don’t mean to say I’m unhappy, because I’m truly not, but more that at this very moment I’m dissatisfied with life in its current state.
|| Maybe it’s because Tim was out of town for the last week and my time with Clara was harder than I even anticipated (and I had anticipated it would be hard).
|| Maybe it’s because I finally have the energy and desire to get out of the house alone (sans child and husband!) and I’ve been confronted with the fact that lives and friendships have gone on without me, and it’s hard to just jump back into the social game after such a big life transition.
|| Maybe it’s because leaving the working world has been an adjustment and my life seems much less ‘productive’ now than it previously seemed.
|| Maybe it’s because I’m not at my pre-pregnancy fitness level and I really wish I was.
|| Maybe it’s because my marriage is not perfect and it’s not the same as it was pre-Clara (even though it’s still awesome!).
|| Maybe it’s because most of my best friends live hundreds, if not thousands, of miles away and I really, really miss their physical presences.
I’m working through some transitions still, clearly, and some days I wake up and the last thing I feel is thankful. And then I remember some truths.
I remember that I have a wonderful husband who is endlessly supportive of me. I remember I have a joyful daughter who smiles every time she sees me. Every single time. I remember that Tim and I are fortunate to be able to afford me staying at home to watch Clara full time. I remember that I have amazing friends scattered around the country who I could call anytime and have a great & deep conversation with. I remember that my body is healthy and miraculous, even if it’s not as strong as it once was.
I remember that I am blessed beyond words, even if I’m struggling at this moment.
Not that everything is magically fixed by me choosing to be grateful as opposed to bitter. I’m still feeling a bit defeated today, if we’re being honest. I feel like I should be more and I’m not sure I have the energy to get to that place. I feel like I’m holding myself back but I’m not exactly sure how or what to do about it.