Treading water

I feel like I’m over here treading water lately, guys. I’m not going to lie, this mom-of-two thing is kicking my butt like none other lately.

Do you know those days/weeks/months when everything just seems especially hard? I’m in the midst of a long spell of that.

I’m not sure if it’s the fact that Clara didn’t nap some days recently, or that Isabelle hasn’t napped her entire life (10 minutes is not a nap, Isabelle!), or that I’ve been running around like a crazy person trying to get lots of ‘life’ stuff done, or if the construction next door is making me actually crazy… I just can’t pinpoint what is causing this funk of mine. I just know that I’m in survival mode.

I’m so thankful for the playdates, coffees, conversations with friends, and the tiny bits of ‘me’ time that have kept me going.

current thoughts - mother of two

Believe me, I’ve tried to keep this girl’s hair out of her eyes. All attempts have failed.

Because I’m having a hard time.

It isn’t the busyness – that’s what is keeping me sane, actually – it’s the loneliness and frustration of listening to a crying baby and tantruming toddler, and the strain in my back from carrying a not-so-little baby because she won’t be put down, and the sleep deprivation, and the uncertainty of so many things. It’s the never-ending laundry and dishes and cleaning up toddler messes and changing diapers and making food non-stop and breastfeeding (every 2 hours! Still!) and trying to keep life organized yet fun.

I am so worn out from being a mom 100% of each and every day. I’m sure staying at home (as opposed to working outside of the home) makes it harder. I’m sure breastfeeding makes it harder. I’m sure the hormones make it harder. I’m sure this particular age of both girls is making it harder. I’m sure Tim’s long working hours is making it harder.

current thoughts - mother of two

But if I’ve learned anything from Finding Nemo it’s that I need to just keep swimming.

Even if that means crying in the shower and drinking an extra glass of wine or coffee, I need to keep going! I kind of have no other choice.

I do plan on getting some ‘me time’ soon during Tim’s paternity leave that starts next week. I just need to get there.

This motherhood thing… man, there is absolutely no way I could have been prepared for this.

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23 Responses to Treading water

  1. Jordyn says:

    As someone who is not a mother I can’t fully relate to this post but I do know when I was working 12 hour days with twin infants it was the hardest (and honestly the worst) thing I’ve ever done. Being a mom is hard and it really seems like everyone glamorizes it. I’m so afraid to ever become a mom because I hated watching infants so much. More so, I hated that i hated being around the babies! Logically I could understand that they were innocent, sweet babies but when I was off of work I heard a baby cry in a coffee shop and I wanted to scream. By 7:30 at night I often wanted to run out the door the moment the babies’ parents got home but as a mom there wouldn’t really ever be another home to run to.

    My point isn’t that my situation is at all similar to yours. I don’t have kids so I can’t grasp the way you’re feeling but I do know babies especially are SO much work. Being a mom isn’t all baking cookies and trips to the playground. Being a mom is draining and difficult and it is t always rewarding.

    I’m glad you’re committed to keep swimming and I hope you are able to get the support you need from friends and family!

    • Lisa says:

      Hahahahaha I seriously want to run out of the house as soon as Tim gets home so SAME FEELINGS! 12 hour mom days are ROUGH by myself!
      And I agree, I think people glamorize being a mom a bit because talking about how hard it is comes across as ‘woe is me’ or complaining, so it’s more fun to focus on the happier moments! Especially because motherhood can be lonely and boring and what is there to really say about that?! I still think being real is better than being ‘perfect’, though.
      I hated babysitting but I love being with my own kids, so don’t be afraid of motherhood, even though I’ve been making it all sound so ‘great’ lately. <3

  2. Lindsay F says:

    You are doing a great job!

  3. Elizabeth Chiaramonte says:

    I feel like these words could be my own! I have felt the exact same way…being a mama is so hard. Worth it, but hard. Thanks for being so real, it’s nice to read such raw honestly sometimes. Sounds like you’re doing a great job 🙂

    • Lisa says:

      Thanks for your kind words! I really hope I’m doing a good job. If not, hopefully the girls can bring this blog to therapy one day to figure out the inner-workings of my mind 😉

  4. Kaitlyn says:

    I’m glad you’ll be getting some “time off” with Tim home next week. Based on your last post it sounds like you’re rarely getting a break at all, and that sounds so, so hard. I know you’re reluctant to leave both girls with a sitter, and you certainly don’t need to do that if you don’t want to, but I think you may find they’re able to handle more than you think – of course, they won’t do as good a job as you would, or do things exactly the same as you would, but if you can find someone you’d trust to not physically harm anyone or burn the house down, having a couple hours each week to breathe and feel like yourself might really be worth it.

    • Lisa says:

      I’m honestly not at all worried about someone being able to watch the girls as well as me, because I’m really laid back about that sort of thing, but it’s been more of a scheduling thing for me. Like right now we have a teenager come over every week to watch Clara for one night while Tim and I go to church group (we still bring Isabelle but that will change soon). SO do I also add in a sitter for a morning or two a week? For an afternoon? During a weekend so Tim and I can run errands…? I think if it’s not a consistent thing I’ll just never hire someone, but if it’s too consistent then I’ll feel trapped in a schedule! So I’m really trying to figure out what would help me the most and I’m having a hard time with that! I really need someone to just live with me and always be on call…. au pair!

      • Kaitlyn says:

        Oh good I’m glad, I know you’re not really looking for suggestions anyway but I was just wondering about that bc of the last post. I do hope that things start getting easier soon — pre-school is on the horizon, but still awhile away and that’s a long time to wait for a little relief!!

  5. I’m excited for you to have some “me time” and some family time with another adult to help you manage those crazy, cute girls! I totally relate to the “just keep swimming” because there’s no other option, although my situation is different than yours right now. I’m beginning to think that feeling is common in motherhood, among the happy, excited, loving feelings.

  6. erinhzauner says:

    oh good lord. I should be scared by this, but honestly from my perspective, you’re doing such a good job that it makes me feel like I’ll be fine. I am well aware of how those days feel, had one of ’em on Monday in fact. actually, I’m pretty sure the rest of my pregnancy might feel like treading water. just know that you are a supermom in our eyes, no matter how you’re feeling!

    • Lisa says:

      You are so kind to me 🙂 The end of pregnancy with a toddler is SO HARD but you are almost there! I can’t wait until we can both commiserate in our two childness.

  7. Oh Lisa, I’m sorry that you’re having a hard time. I can’t wait to have brunch with you this week. I hope that you get lots of time to recharge when Tim is home!

  8. Ah, I’m so sorry it’s been so rough! I’m honestly tempted to just shout out, I’LL COME HELP! But alas, I have a job and by the time I could be there to help, Tim would be on his way home. I’m so glad you’ve found people here to build a bit of community. So sorry it’s been a hard stretch but it’s bound to get easier eventually, right? And you’re doing a great job, just keep swimming 🙂

    • Lisa says:

      Community has definitely made my life easier AND now Tim is on paternity leave so life is much happier these days! Thanks for the encouragement 🙂

  9. Sarah Brooks says:

    YAY for paternity leave!!! I’m sure that will make everything a million times better!!! 🙂

    I went back to work (FT job but I work from home a lot, so my girls are in daycare PT!) when my oldest was 3 and my youngest was 1 1/2. It. was. time. But seriously, I was ready. In a few months or a year or so you could always end up doing the same thing!! But, even if you don’t, I highly recommend a little daycare/school/Mother’s Morning Out program for Clara!! Even if I quit my job, my kiddos would still be attending their “school” LOL. Alone time is completely necessary for my sanity!

    Anyways, hang in there mama!! You are doing a fantastic job and your girls are so, so lucky to have you as their mom!!


    • Lisa says:

      So far paternity HAS made life so much better – and I finally have time to respond to comments… two weeks late… whoops! I do think I’ll end up going back to work in a few years and if not I’m still going to put Clara in some sort of program so I can have a few hours of just Isabelle time. Or I may hire a part time nanny so I can have TRUE free time! My sanity is totally gone at this point and I think it would really help me to have someone watch the girls for a bit.

  10. I used the exact wording of “treading water” to Chris the other day! No words of advice (obviously-ha) but I’m so glad he’s going to get to take some paternity leave! I hope that’s able to refresh you in some way, even if only for a little bit!

    • Lisa says:

      It helps to hear you’re feeling the same way, even though I am sorry you’re feeling similar frustrations! I’m glad Tim’s on paternity leave so I can have some time for myself… and finally have a chance to reply to comments… two weeks late 😉

  11. I think a lot of women go through this… props to you for actually SAYING it! It’s natural, it’s normal. Like you said, just gotta keep swimming. You’re a great mom. You’ve got this. 🙂

    • Lisa says:

      Thanks for the encouragement! It really means a lot. I know I can get through hard things (hopefully with my sanity in tact)! Just gotta keep going!

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