I feel like I write about busyness a lot and this time is not an exception. I suffer from a(nother) case of it, and I have it bad.
For the first few months of Clara’s life it was easy to not do much, but now that my energy is back, I’ve fallen back into old habits. I’ve started to feel like I need to do and be more and more and more and more at all times. Quite simply, I feel like I’m not enough – and I don’t like that feeling, and I also dislike that I’m allowing myself to feel that way.
I think part of the reason I enjoyed pregnancy (even the first trimester, which was exactly a year ago) was because I allowed myself to rest – and not just sleep, but rest. I allowed myself to fall behind on household tasks and to say ‘no’ to more events than I would have otherwise. I beat myself up less for not working out regularly, and I spent more time walking slowly around my neighborhood with Ozzie, listening to music and less time running frantically from one task to another.
Of course, it helped that I was unemployed for most of the first trimester.
But I look back at that (unemployed and newly pregnant) period of my life fondly.
I long for a more restful season of life, and I know I have the power to make that happen.
It was not necessarily a productive time, but I felt involved. I prepared dinners and lunches. I read some books. I was introspective. I stayed in bed far too long and ate saltines by the box. I still went out to socialize, but it wasn’t as frequently as I do now. I felt like I should have been doing more and that I should have been more productive with my time off – but I was so amazed at my body’s ability to create human life that I kind of let myself relax about everything else.
As time went on and I entered into the better-feeling second and third trimesters, I started doing almost-too-much again, because I really believed that my time was running out, and that if I wanted to get anything done, I needed to do it before the birth of Clara (called ‘Bumpy’ at the time!).
Now I’m wondering how to harness that and relive those first few months of my pregnancy (at least mentally, the nausea can stay away, thanks) – because even though I’m not growing a human life – I am nurturing one and I need to slow the heck down and start taking care of myself.
I feel myself mentally, physically, and emotionally wearing thin. I wrote last week about needing a routine, but it’s becoming more than that. I need to re-prioritize and decide what I should be focusing my energy on. I need to figure out how to say no to things. I’m not even necessarily referring to saying no to other people, I also need to learn to say no to myself. Something needs to give in my life, and it can’t be my sanity. I’m feeling half-empty right now. I’m feeling unfulfilled. I’m feeling short of patience. I’m feeling overly tired. I’m feeling undernourished. I’m feeling like I need a glass of wine each night just to relax.
This isn’t to say I’m not feeling positive emotions as well, but they’re masked under a fog of exhaustion.
I must admit that I think part of this has to do with pressure that I put on myself to not use Clara as an excuse to stay home. I have no desire to be ‘that mom’. You know, the type of mom who uses her child as a cop-out from social activities and other would-be obligations. However, now I’m realizing that, while some moms might be using their child(ren) as an excuse to not do things, really, kids are very valid excuses! (And I vow to remember this next time a mom says ‘no’ and I’m tempted to think ‘Oh, she could just bring her child! What’s the big deal?!’)
The problem isn’t that I can’t say no, it’s that I don’t want to. I love the feelings that come with resting, but in the moment, I forget that and succumb to the instant gratification of feeling busy, productive, and the excitement of plans and doing more. For some reason, busyness is alluring to me.
I know it’s not necessarily the time of year for resolutions, but for the rest of the year I want to recommit to stillness (which was my resolution for 2014, actually). I want these next two months, amid the busy holiday season, to be peaceful and full of joy. I want to get rid of the excess in my life and recommit to what really matters. I want to put my relationship with God, my husband, and my child in the forefront and let everything else fall to the wayside.
I know this sounds so obvious, but it won’t be easy for me. I admit that I derive a part of my value from how much I do, which is not a good thing! This in itself tells me how vital it is that I change this part of my life, so wish me luck and feel free to offer any advice you may have!
Cheers to positive (and necessary) changes,
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