This whole growing-a-human and becoming-a-mom thing has brought along a rather unexpected feeling with it: guilt.
I’ve talked about guilt in pregnancy a bit before. During the 9+ months of creating this new life I felt guilty for not exercising enough, for not eating all of the right foods, for not loving every second of growing a new life inside of my uterus… etc.
And then Clara Jane decided to make an appearance, and the guilt (unexpectedly) continues! (OK she didn’t really ‘decide’ to make an appearance – we forced her out – but that’s been discussed already.)
OK, I thought I’d be feeling guilty. I thought I’d be filled with guilt about questionable parenting decisions and for losing my temper occasionally and for all of that sort of thing. But I really thought I’d get past the newborn stage without feeling and struggling with this!
However, this hasn’t been the case.
This picture is now over a month old! My baby is growing up too fast.
I first felt guilt in the hospital. As I’ve touched on before, I simply didn’t connect with Clara as quickly as I thought I might. When I saw her for the first time I was amazed, but I wasn’t immediately filled with this overwhelming love that I thought I’d be filled with. Every time I peruse social media and see a mom post a picture of a newborn and talk about how instantly they loved their baby and how they never felt a love like that before I wonder why I wasn’t overwhelmed in that exact same way. Yes, I loved her when I saw her… but I also loved her before I saw her, as soon as I saw a heartbeat on the ultrasound and even more when I felt her kick from inside my abdomen. When I finally saw her in the outside world, I was filled with an emotion, but it was thankfulness.
I was thankful that the labor and delivery was over and that we were both healthy. I was also still sad with how the process had turned out for us. More than anything though, I was tired and relieved. (I was also confused as to why she looked nothing like me as a baby, but that confusion quickly went away when I saw newborn pictures of Tim and realized she looked – and still looks – exactly like him.)
Tim going back to work (around the time Clara was a month old) coincided with me starting to get my energy back. In the last few weeks or so, I’ve started to feel like my old-self again. This is great news, right?! Not so much.
You see, now that I feel like my old self again, I also want to do more things that my old-self did, and I can’t. I still can’t exercise like I used to (even though I’ve been given the ‘go ahead’ by my doctor weeks ago), I still can’t leave at a moment’s notice to go anywhere I want to, I can’t bike around the city on a whim, I can’t go to happy hour with coworkers (because I no longer have coworkers!), and basically my life has completely changed to revolve around this tiny little person.
And I feel guilty that I don’t love this at every second of every day.
To clarify, of course I love Clara, but I don’t necessarily love this ‘new life’ at all times.
It’s like all of a sudden I’m a whole different person, living this life I don’t even recognize.
When I was unemployed I was home during the day a ton, but I could read for hours in peace on my deck without worrying about whether a tiny newborn was comfortable/sleeping/hungry/etc. I could make a lunch without being interrupted by shrieking, leading to a 20 minute break in making lunch to feed a hungry little baby (how are they hungry an hour after they just ate?! Evidently, it’s a thing.) I never used to think twice about whether to pump or feed my baby with a bottle and how to stop my boobs from leaking or how I’d need to schedule my day around draining my boobs in any way possible.
And I feel guilty about not loving that my day is so interrupted. That I can’t go to sleep when I want to. Before if I was tired, I’d go to bed. Now if I’m tired I pray that Clara will calm down enough to go to sleep or that Tim will take care of her for a few extra hours overnight.
I know (in my head) that these feelings are okay. I know it’s a lot to expect myself to be happy about all of these not-always-pleasant life changes. But when I think about how much I longed to be a mom, I feel guilty every second I don’t love it. I want this ‘mother’ thing to come naturally and pleasantly to me, but I simply don’t (always) have the patience!
I probably have too high of expectations for myself in this new role, and I could probably use a little self-grace. But right now I’m struggling a bit in this transition! It was almost easier when I was in super-recovery mode and just wanted (or rather, was forced) to sit around all day. Now I want to go out and be my own person and experience summer fall in Chicago how I used to, and I’m feeling sad that I simply can’t.
Don’t get me wrong – I’m not depressed or even sad. I’m mourning the loss of my old routine and the person I used to be, but I know that bit by bit, I’ll be able to enjoy the activities I’ve been missing out on over the last few months. Right now I’m mainly feeling frustrated and guilty about my own negativity. However, I know that I can come up with a new routine and a new normal that I’ll really enjoy. It’s getting better each and every day, especially as I meet and connect with new moms. I’m truly thankful that I have the time to stay home with Clara and to experience the little joys that she brings every day. I love seeing her grow and develop and all of that stuff. Some days it doesn’t feel like these little joys outweigh my frustrations with myself, but I know that in the long run I’ll look back and realize this time was so, so worth it, and probably even fun.
In the meantime, I need to cut myself some slack.
Cheers to transitions, even the difficult ones!
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