Remember that post I wrote about why pregnant women should avoid message boards? I stand by my opinion. If you’re pregnant, avoid the message boards. In a moment of weakness I decided to join an ‘April Birth’ message board because I thought since I’m now a ‘BTDT mom’ I could offer advice to nervous first time moms. Well, I should have known better. I only check it every few weeks, but the other day I stumbled across a post on push presents (I’m sure it will be one of many by the time April rolls around) and I remembered why I stayed off these boards in the first place.
Ohhhh the judgments that women place on each other!
The post on the message board referenced this Scary Mommy post, entitled “Push Presents Are Stupid” which I don’t agree with at all. (Plus, I hate the word ‘stupid’ in general.)
People, push presents are fantastic and I will not be convinced otherwise.
“The thing is no one needs a present for birthing a child. You know why? Because the child is the present. After a nerve-wracking nine months of carefully planning, vigilantly protecting, and anxiously awaiting the arrival of your tiny, fragile newborn baby, you actually get the baby. That’s the reward.” (Says the article.)
This is mind-boggling to me. So my present for being pregnant for 9+ months, not sleeping through the night, not being able to work out like I want to, not being able to move freely, going to tons of doctors appointments where I’m probed and prodded and poked with needles and forced to pee in cups, needing to buy new clothes and wear a limited wardrobe because I simply don’t fit into anything, not being able to drink alcohol, basically being a human incubator for a little being and growing a human life from scratch…. my reward for all of this is a screaming baby who might not sleep and who might not eat well and who will be helpless for 18 or so years of their life?!
That is not a ‘reward’ people, it’s a child. They may be kind of cute and snuggly and have that delicious newborn smell, but a human being is not a present. Plus, it’s not like the sacrifices moms make ends at birth. it’s not like I’ll instantly get my body and life back after the this baby pops out of my loins. (You’re welcome for the visual.) Nope, then I’ll be giving up my boobs for breastfeeding, I’ll be going to PT to help my body recover, I’ll be working out to get back in shape, I’ll be sleep deprived and hungry and won’t feel like myself for (supposedly) around 18 months. (I wouldn’t know exactly, because I never recovered from Clara before I got pregnant again with Baby Beni. And let’s not even talk about a potential c-section recovery or pelvic floor issues that are common after labor and delivery.)
Let me be clear – I love (most of) pregnancy. And I love Clara and I love Baby Beni already. But carrying a womb-baby is difficult and caring for one on the outside of the womb is really, really difficult. For moms who think that the baby him/herself is reward enough for carrying a tiny human and then birthing a tiny human and then recovering from birthing that tiny human… good for them, but I’ll take piece of jewelry or something sentimental in addition to the baby. I’m not saying the gift needs to be extravagant, but we celebrate a lot of things in this culture and having a child is a HUGE milestone which also deserves to be celebrated.
Students get (and expect) graduation presents because of years of hard work – how is a push present much different? I don’t hear many people arguing that a diploma is all the reward one should need after four grueling years of undergrad studies, nor do I ever hear that a marriage certificate is gift enough for a wedding.
Moms shouldn’t be seen as the unfortunate sex who get knocked up and are expected to suck it up and deal with it and be happy for a healthy baby at the end of an uncomfortable (to put it mildly, in some cases) pregnancy. Nope, in my opinion moms should be treated especially well during pregnancy and afterwards, because pregnancy can be hard and miserable and uncomfortable at the same time that it can be miraculous and magical.
The article goes on to say:
“I’m not saying women don’t deserve appreciation and respect or to be downright worshiped for their singular role in creating, carrying and bringing forth new life because lord knows that’s no small burden, but demanding material goods in exchange for a child seems somehow, I don’t know, grotesque.”
Now, I’m not sure who these women are that are ‘demanding’ presents, but I generally just ask. Sometimes I send Tim a link or two to something I really want. Usually he loses the link or completely forgets about it and I get something else entirely. That’s just how gift giving tends to go with us. If Tim doesn’t buy me something I want, I just buy it myself, no big deal. We share accounts, so I don’t need him to buy me presents, but he loves doing it for me because it makes me happy and it’s important to him that I feel valued. If he didn’t buy me a present for having Clara, I’d buy one for myself – because I deserved it, darnit!
I’m a fan of receiving gifts on Christmas (why do we ‘deserve’ presents on Jesus’ birthday? I’ll never understand it but I’ll still accept them!), my birthday, Valentines Day, Mothers Day, anniversaries, and any other random day that Tim feels like buying me a little extra something ‘just because’. I’m especially a fan of receiving gifts to honor the hard work of bringing a baby into the world. After what I went through less than two years ago to deliver Clara, a present was more than deserved.
Yes, Tim was there, too, but he wasn’t pumped full of meds, he didn’t feel contractions, he was able to nap for little bits of time, he wasn’t restricted to a clear liquid diet for days, and he certainly wasn’t split open on an operating table. He also supported me during my 10 months of pregnancy, but he sure as heck wasn’t restricted in any way, nor was he at all uncomfortable for the duration of it. He certainly didn’t lose any sleep over me being pregnant, which I know because as I was up for the fourth time to pee each night, he was peacefully snoring next to me.
Yep, I sure as heck got a little very nice gift when I had Clara, and I still absolutely love it. I’m expecting a gift this time, too, and I don’t think I’m very ‘entitled’ (as I’ve seen women who receive push presents called).
If women don’t think a ‘push present’ (I agree, the name is kind of bleh) is necessary, then they can certainly go without one, but as for me, when people comment on the very-pretty ring I received the day I had Clara, I’m only too happy to tell them it was a push present from my very-loving, generous, and grateful husband to celebrate the birth of our daughter.
Either way, whether or not women think that receiving a push present is ‘necessary’ or ‘grotesque’ or ‘entitled’ or whatever else, I’m not sure why we, as women, can’t support each other in something as trivial as receiving a gift for something as wonderful as giving birth. Can’t we all agree that gifts are generally wonderful and if someone receives one (for any reason) that it’s awesome for them and we hope it brightens their day? (And if women are demanding gifts from their husbands for the birth of a child, well, I’m sure it isn’t the first time that they’ve demanded a gift and that’s between them and their husband to navigate in their private relationship!)
So no, I don’t think ‘Push Presents Are Stupid’, I think they’re wonderful and that all mothers deserve them! I hope you get one in celebration of every new life you bring into the world. Now I’m off to do a little internet searching to pick out what I want for Baby Beni’s arrival…
